When you hear that dreaded ringtone just when you were about to escape work for the day, you prove that you don’t have latent psychic powers – because if you did your phone would explode. Should you decide to “fix” your old phone, mafia-style, is there anything more exciting than a hammer? We researched this question and found the answer is: oh hell yes. Here are five non-standard ways people have kissed their handset goodbye:
1. World Championship for throwing mobile phones
Many of us have had the urge to fling a troublesome phone far, far away – but only a few have the skills to do it professionally. The sport of Mobile Phone Throwing began in Finland in 2000, presumably as a combination of a joke and a few people entering the final stages of terminal boredom. Because they were stuck in Finland. Since then it has grown internationally and the 8th World Mobile Phone Throwing Championships were held last August, presumably without a single person going “Wait, how the hell did this happen?” The so-called sport has even evolved different categories including overarm, underarm and freestyle performances involving juggling – thus proving there is not a stupid thing in existence that human ingenuity and dedication cannot make stupider.
The world record is currently 95 meters, held by Chris Hughff, so even if you do think it’s stupid don’t say it to his face or he could probably hurl a Nokia right through you. We live in a world were somebody can claim to be a champion phone tosser – and we just can’t decide if that’s awesome or indicates the downfall of civilisation.
2. Fake it and break it
A sensible shopper (or a sailor on shore leave) knows that anything too cheap will cost you more in the long run. One extreme example of this is counterfeit Nokia battery packs, which have a nasty tendency to catch fire or explode – without even the benefit of a cool Mission Impossible voice intoning “This message will self-destruct in five seconds.” There are a lot of off-brand products that can save you money, delivering the same benefits without an expensive label, but if there’s one thing you don’t want built by the cheapest bidder it’s a small tank of chemicals connected to an electrical circuit. That you’re going to put next to your face.
Though we suppose it all depends on how you look at it. You could view this as a very expensive phone-and-features frying flammability – or an extremely cheap off-brand spy gadget.
3. Annoy an Australian
Apparently unaware of the existence of the internet, Australian Peter Mackenzie snuck sleazy snaps of sunbathing women by strolling along the beach with his cameraphone, pretending to talk but actually angling the camera to capture pictures. The first part of the deception should be obvious, as anybody so pathetic as to do that clearly has no-one they could be calling. Peter was busted when the boyfriend of one of the targeted ladies got suspicious. Mackenzie was arrested, fined, and the offending phone was ordered destroyed – and he still got off lightly, because when you annoy an Australian man and the list of things destroyed doesn’t include “your face”, you’re doing well.
(Technically Mackenzie is also Australian, but we put it to you that someone with nothing better to do on a packed sun-soaked beach than steal pictures for a good hand-shandy later does not qualify as a real “man”.)
4. Use it in Court
Indiana attorney John Bloom lost his phone in an courthouse earlier this year – and lost it forever. Confiscated under the “no cellphones” policy of the court, one we can only hope will be extended to cinemas as soon as possible, Judge Fran Gull ordered the handset destroyed. Because judges get to do that sort of thing. She presumably went on to issue a statement assuring the world that her name was not made up.
Mr Bloom appealed the decision, but it was pointed out to him that he shouldn’t have had the the phone, he didn’t have the documents that would have allowed him to keep the phone, and maybe someone will tell him that it isn’t a good idea to piss off judges. Though if that last part has to be explained to him, maybe he shouldn’t be an attorney.
5. Flamethrower!
The world championship of phone-throwing might sound impressive – but why throw a phone, when you can FLAMEthrow it? We’d like to think that’s what these guys were thinking, but let’s face it – they’ve got a goddamn flamethrower. Their entire lives are based around the question “What have we not yet incinerated with our kickass flamethrower?” Thanks to YouTube, their pyromaniac joy is no longer limited to themselves and whatever imaginary friends the propane fumes cause them to hallucinate.
So the next time the worst ringtone in the world goes off on a crowded bus, of course in the pocket of someone who is either deaf or playing an extended game of “hide and go find the phone” with four thousand bags and pockets, just close your eyes and imagine the flames. And smile.
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