Idiots’ guide to Mobile Phone Excuses

Despite the very best efforts of blackberry manufacturers, phones remain one of the easiest things in the world to operate.  Punch in number, hold to face, talk.  But even that isn’t idiot-proof, as the following idiots went to incredible lengths to prove:

1.  Driving while talking
Springfield resident Kimberly Messer blamed her reckless driving on her cellphone, and while this isn’t Springfield from the Simpsons when you hear how unbelievable her story is you’ll think it might be.  The eighteen year old attempted to escape from a state trooper, who spotted her speeding at 87 miles an hour, by doing the sensible thing and accelerating to 107 mph.  And driving her car into a construction zone.  As you do (if you’re an idiot).

Protip:  State troopers have an advanced forensic ability to “read”, meaning she was already caught.When apprehended Miss Messer claimed that the whole thing was because she “was having trouble seeing while talking on her cellphone.”  Because it’s not like that makes her actions even stupider and more illegal, let alone how her phone would have to be a couple of square meters in size to block her entire windshield, speedometer, and somehow press down the accelerator.
 

2.  Ridiculous Ransom
Lancaster purse-snatcher and anti-MENSA member Randy-Jay Adolphos Jones attempted the crime of the century last year, and let us just say that this man obviously had to make a choice between the size of his name or brain at some point in his life.  He snatched the purse and phone of a woman leaving her car.  When she called the phone he demanded $185,000 for its safe return, indicating that he may be a little out of touch regarding the price of modern technology.
After what must have been the most one-sided round of haggling in history he agreed to accept $200, and then turned up at a place and time arranged by his victim.  You know, the victim of his robbery?  Can you see where this is going?  If you answered “jail” then congratulations on being smarter than Randy-Jay, though if you were dumber you wouldn’t be able to read this.
 

3.  Claim Sexual Assault
A Tunisian family is claiming that their daughter was sexually assaulted over the phone, resulting in the loss of her virginity.  Which means that either we don’t entirely understand how Tunisian sex works or they have access to phones with functions far in advance of our own.  They are now suing the man “responsible”.

The family’s lawyer is doing his level best to sidestep the whole “absolute physical impossibility” of the case, issuing statements such as “The sexual act did not really happen because the physical proximity factor is not there, yet it happened because there is a direct physical impact – the loss of virginity.”We hate to break it to the shocked family, but when your choices are “A man has the power to change reality long-distance with his voice” or “Our 20 year old daughter is not being honest when she tells us she’s never had sex”, maybe you should consider the latter.  And if you truly believe the former, should you be pissing off a man who can impale you with a word by suing him?