Views of text speak range from it being, like, SO K3WL, to being a Babel-virus designed to lobotomise our language centers and leave us all dribbling in front of Hot Topics unable to recite anything but our credit card numbers. It’s a fact that every time you say OMG out loud you lose fifty brain cells, either from the psychic force of everyone nearby wanting to punch you or they just abandon ship and jump out your ears before you can watch another episode of Pop Idol.
Many use text sensibly – but their case isn’t helped by idiots like these:
1. Purse Snatcher Presses “Send” – To Jail
Armed with only a cellphone Nicholas Greenly reached a level of pathetic you’d normally need three Tiny Tims and an amputee kitten to achieve. He snatched a purse from an 84 year old woman, so he’s off to great start on the Loser Olympics, but he really kicked it over the failure bar by dropping his cellphone as he fled.
Yes, he found a way to fail at running away from an old woman.
This already makes him an idiot: an average octogenarian’s purse contains nothing but melted toffees and the desperate stink of someone who reminisces about her glory days of being able to knit, meaning he lost at least twenty pounds worth of phone on the deal. But when the police found a text message reading “I’m ready to grab some old lady’s purse”?Never mind the whole “incriminating evidence leading to his arrest” thing. When the absolute highlight of your day, that you just have to share with friends, is an act the average murderer wouldn’t admit to for fear of being ostracized from polite killing society? The police only had to ask themselves “Should we arrest him, or is it crueler to just let him keep living like that?”
2. Don’t Text and Drive (a Helicopter)
A New Zealand pilot died when his helicopter crashed, and while that’s not the sort of thing we’d normally mock, the phrase “respect for the dead” usually assumes it’s not their own idiot fault. Reports have confirmed that he was texting while flying, and comments from other pilots range from “I know them personally and will say nothing bad” to the more honest “I would never do a damn fool thing like that in a million bloody years.”
Even texting while driving is bad, and cars only have two-dimensions to kill you with – neither of which has gravity. A helicopter isn’t like a plane, where as long as you can see blue you’ll probably be fine for a while – the entire aerodynamics of a helicopter are “spinning and falling” with only a fine balance between the two keeping you in the air. A balance which, we presume, precludes time to text things “LOOK I CN DO THIS WTH 1 HND!”
3. Kidnapper Karma
Rule one of kidnapping someone at gunpoint: keep them at gunpoint. You already know where this is going, because you’re not as retarded as the kidnapper we’re about to discuss. A trio of Tampa Bay kidnappers forced their target into the back seat of a car and the one with the gun got in beside him. As they sped off he put his gun on his lap while he sent a text message.This worked about as well as you’d expect, and we don’t think Lex Luthor’s next banquet for Evil Geniuses will have an empty seat as a result. The increasingly-inaccurately labeled “victim” (who apparently understood guns a lot better than his abductors) took it, shot him to death, shot the other kidnappers in the front passenger seat and forced the driver to stop – at gunpoint, ironically enough, and we hope that before he bled out the original gunman appreciated the fine “actually keep hold of the firearm” technique.
Loading ...
Most Commented