Insane iPhone Apps: The Revenge

The iPhone App Store.  Or as some know it, the never-ending font of electronic idiocy that pays for Apple’s hookers. You could digitize the Osbournes, erase half the program, and still not end up with software half as retarded as some of the stuff you can now buy.  And people* do!

*The UN is working on legislation which would actually redefine anyone who buys the following as “organic waste.”

1. Baby Shaker

If you can’t imagine what a “Baby Shaker” app does, you aren’t stupid – your human decency is just blocking out Sikalasoft’s abomination. This app simulates a crying baby and records how long it takes you to shake it into silence – so even without the infanticide aspect, this software’s absolute best-case scenario is “Constantly make the sound of a screaming baby.”  The Center for Disease Control has quarantines set up for things that aren’t that bad.

The app is has provoked the predictable outrage, since that’s obviously the company’s entire marketing strategy, but most of the outragees focus only on the baby-killing bit. Ignoring the far more relevant “Anyone idiot who downloads this has the sense of humor of a retarded thirteen year old.’”

What this app should do: Prefix every call the owner makes with an automated warning “DANGER: The person you are about to hear not only thinks dead baby jokes are funny, but actually spent real money on one, and will remove value from your life for every second you remain connected.”

2.  iSnort

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BQu3PohKyM[/video]
The iSnort is for people who think that something even looking like drugs is outrageously funny – in other words, people who wouldn’t recognise drugs or comedy if they were liquidised, sent back in time and injected into John Belushi.

It’s also been a full year since iBeer and assorted variants thereof, and please believe us: the fact that there was more than one fake-beer screensaver should revive Luddism.  Someone taking a full twelve months to come up with something stupider means they’re not only stupid, they’re stupid at being stupid.  Which – once we decide we must kill them – saves us the bother of all that “Are they responsible for their actions” crap a trial would involve; we can just lock them in room with some cutlery and wait for nature to take its course.

What this app should do: Immediately call someone, anyone who can come and get this person actually high.  Please note that we at Dial-a-Phone do not encourage illegal drug use – there are kids Just Saying No to caffeine at albino bible camp who party harder than anyone with this app. Half a can of Irn Bru would end with them screaming naked in the back of a squad car.

3.  MyBalloon

After the above, MyBalloon looks like a Universal Translator that can do your taxes for you – but don’t be fooled.  It’s another tech demo that somehow escaped the programming class to demand actual money, and we should count ourselves lucky it didn’t end up on the Wii for thirty quid.  But financial experts will realise that a pound is still approximately a pound more than you should ever pay for a balloon – even a balloon with the advantages of tiny size, non-roundness, and the inability to float.  Or as we would call that, not a balloon.

The app simply doesn’t have market: anyone willing to pay a ten thousand percent markup for a fake balloon isn’t trusted with expensive electronics.  Or non-plastic cutlery.

What this app should do: Upload owner’s account information to the Nigerian scammers.  Maybe while they’re busy draining money from people who honestly don’t seem to need it, they’ll leave the rest of our inboxes alone.