Killer Laser Technology. Some Seriously Scary Weapons

Ever since the pointed stick mankind’s mastery of technology has made things better for everyone: global communications networks, lifesaving medicines, yadda-bloody-yadda. Never mind all that garbage – where are our Death Rays?

1. The HumVee Laser Avenger

In awesome evidence that the US Army is now taking its cues directly from GI Joe, we present the HumVee* Laser Avenger.

The Laser Avenger, and that is such an awesome phrase that we’re banning use of the phrase “it” for the rest of the paragraph just so we can say Laser Avenger more, is an infrared laser weapon which burns targets with sustained blasts. The Laser Avenger can target smaller and trickier targets than conventional Surface-To-Air technologies designed back in the days planes had to hold pilots. Even better, the Laser Avenger isn’t a standalone system: Laser Goddamn Avenger replaces one of the missile pods on an existing twin-Stinger missile/heavy machine gun setup. After that, just remember to pick up the 4x score multiplier and aim for the glowing red weak point!

2. XASER

The Army might be good at blowing things up, which they should be since the entire definition of an army is basically “Colour-co-ordinated thing-blowing-up organisation”, but if you want some real Death Ray goodness you need a good solid mad scientist. Step forward SLAC (formerly the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center) and the XASER, which sounds like something Skeletor would save up for a special crossover with Cobra Commander. How do we know SLAC is mad? They actually renamed themselves as just an acronym – that’s Evil Organisation Warning Sign #1 right there.

Yes, the XASER is an X-ray laser, or to put it another way: you know how you have to cover your privates in lead to avoid giving birth to frog-creatures after an X-ray? That’s basically an X-ray candle, and this thing is a LASER. It’s also two thirds of a mile long and will go fully online this September, assuming James Bond doesn’t find it first.

3. The Multimode Death Ray

Those above might look pretty good, but the Multimode Directed Energy Armament System uses a laser death ray just to clear the way for it’s real weapon: a targeted microwave blaster for electronics, or ionised channel electrical discharges for human targets. Yes, this thing’s “softer” option for fleshbags is to fire lightning bolts at them.

It’s another project by the US Army, current world experts in Death Ray technology. They just want something they can point at any situation to make it better – they’ve been trying it with guns for years but it never seems to take. The solution? Better guns! The microwave-mode can also destroy electronics, disarming bombs or missiles, immobilising vehicles, and purely incidentally frying recording and communications equipment.

It’s basically the weaponized offspring of Lex Luthor and Tony Stark, except it’s real and – hopefully – not pointed at anything in even the same country as you.