They claim there’s an app for everything, but there aren’t any for getting yourself arrested.  Some say that’s because Apple wouldn’t allow it, but it’s really because even the simplest, shiniest, biggest-buttoned application would be like giving a dog a quantum-mechanical butt-sniffer: way too complicated and they do just fine without it.

1.  Dumbass Detonator

In the most idiotic threat since they said they’d break Clark Kent’s glasses, Oregon idiot Mark Field responded to an airline ticket desk’s outrageous “you need to buy a ticket to fly” attitude by whipping out his mobile and declaring he was going detonate the plane.  Yes, with the mobile phone, apparently unaware that even MacGyver would need a few minutes to make a bomb out of that.

We can’t imagine the counter staff believed him, on the grounds that someone probably doesn’t have the foresight to plant explosives on the plane if they can’t even organise a ticket, but didn’t miss the fact that they’d just won the lunatic loser lottery jackpot.  When you staff a counter you have to put up with 99% of all the insanity known to man, but that one magical moment when an idiot says “bomb” in an airport?  You get to haul their ass off to jail.  Instantly. The airport wasn’t evacuated, no explosives were found, but everyone involved is agreeing to prosecute it as a terrorist threat anyway because it’s just sweet payback.

2.  Instant Evidence

Making calls on a stolen phone is the Mount Everest of mobile electronic stupidity, which is why this robber built a rocket out of his own brain damage to blast off into an outer space of idiocy.  Because he didn’t steal the phone. Nor did he manage to make a call.  Instead, according to a spokeswoman (who had to have been smirking at the time) a Virginian burglar was attempting to make a call on someone else’s phone – in their house, mid-burgle – when he accidentally took a picture.  And left the phone behind. The incriminating image is now being used in efforts to catch the thief.

3.  Go Directly To Jail

Florida resident Benjamin Dewer is either the dumbest or most devious (if underachieving) criminal in caller history.  He dialled 911 at one in the morning to inform police officers that he needed a ride and was hungry.  Police officers actually turned up, if only to explain how even American society had not yet reached the point where taxis or pizza delivery counted as “emergency services.”  He walked away and rang 911 again to repeat his request.  This time they took him to jail which, since they feed you there, means he got everything he wanted.  Making him smarter than 100% of all action movie villains.