No matter how mundane the material, there’s someone who’ll spend ten times as much for a luxury version and a big sign saying “I’m a stupid idiot who should have his money confiscated.” Here we look at some upgraded electronics, which make as much sense as a diamond studded suppository:
1. Bicycle Simulator
Imagine your dad spent five thousand pounds on a your first bike: you’d expect a titanium framed super cycle with more gears than an F1 race and an artificial intelligence to help you break up drug rings – that wouldn’t be a bike, that’d be a prop from an awesome 80s show! Tough, because the bike you get doesn’t even move and only acts to free him from having to spend time with you, basically turning him into the evil rich parent from a Disney movie who doesn’t understand the magic… of emotion. It’s the Honda Bicycle Simulator!
Think of everything you want to do in virtual reality: riding a bike is right at the bottom, unless it’s the lightcycle from Tron.
Instead you’re combining top-of-the-line gaming gear and the idea of going outside without the advantages of either. Honda hilariously state that the system will increase bike safety, by raising children scared to go outside without a four-figure electronic harness and a NASA-grade simulated training program.
2. Titanium Mouse
If you’ve got a handcrafted titanium mouse you’d better be Bond facing off against Blofeld’s cat. A life or death struggle, saving the world AND the government picking up the bill are the only way to even remotely justify a mouse costing seven hundred pounds.
A mouse simply can’t be seven-hundred-quid-good – that’s a factor of ten past the point they just stop getting better. There simply isn’t any extra ability to be had. It doesn’t matter if you’re clicking menus to select which MPs and hot Hollywood stars will serve you the roasted flesh of endangered animals, increasing the cost of the controller doesn’t add to the luxury. And unless you’re a Terminator, gripping a machined hunk of titanium isn’t actually as comfortable as cheaper, saner equipment.
3. The WattGate
The ultimate in idiot electronics – if you know anyone even considering such a contraption feel free to just take his or her money. They don’t need it, and when you show the arresting officer what they were buying he’ll just ask for a cut and send you on your way.
The
Watt Gate 381 Audio Grade Wall Socket promises to improve your audio experience for just one hundred and fifty smackers a socket – and if you noticed that the wall socket doesn’t actually affect your stereo, well done on not being their target market! And not needing an assigned caregiver to go outside! The rivets, grounding strip and mount are gold-plated brass: this incredible hardware then travels back in time so that the wiring in your house isn’t low grade copper, but actually pure neodymium. It also chrono-tastically rebuilds the entire national power grid out of ultra-conductive superluminum, as well as altering evolution so that we all came from bats, not monkeys, and are thus able to hear the effects of the power supply on sound systems.
Warning: Use of the awesome power of the Watt Gate may cause Dr Who to destroy your house in an attempt to restore the regular timeline.
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