People are setting records with mobile phones and instead of forming final proof that technology should be a controlled substance, the trend is catching on and people are doing dumber things with smarter phones all the time.  It’s becoming increasingly clear that when machines become sentient they won’t kill us as superior beings, or in a silicon-spirited struggle for equal rights, but because they’re sick of our bullshit.

1.  Fastest Texting While Skydiving

Not to be confused with Fastest Texting, currently held by Jeremy Sng Gim and practically a lifeskill, this is instead an example of a record where people don’t train, improve themselves, or work in any way to be better at anything than anyone else.  Instead they try to think of something stupid and expensive enough and gamble no-one else is worthless enough to compete.  Imagine a fat kid on sports day declaring himself First Place In Pissing In Parents’ Petrol Tanks, then multiply the cost by ten skydivers and a camera crew.

What’s worse is that none of the ten-person team sponsored by Samsung Mobile were even remotely prepared. “Nothing can prepare you for how much wind there is,” said Sara Brachter.  Except maybe “having skydived before” or even “at least choosing a retarded non-record you’ve have in any way prepared for.”  Texting a set phrase isn’t hard; practice a few hundred times and even if you get guillotined your thumbs’ll hammer it out during your blood-spurting twitches.  The Samsung team did considerably worse than a decapitation victim, managing a record-settingly bad thirty characters out of one hundred and sixty, and still getting one of them wrong.

2.  The Furthest Thrown

Chris Hughff currently holds the world record in Mobile Phone Throwing, an event where people gather to destroy no-longer-quite-new electronics as they laugh and confirm why pretty much half the planet hates capitalism.  He hurled a handset ninety-five point eight three meters and forced  everyone else present to seriously examine what they’re doing with their lives.  Because he’s a real athlete. Professional javelin thrower.  And when someone who’s actually good at something waltzes in and permanently dominates your sport on his very first throw, you may have to ask yourself some very serious questions.

It’s also a real psychological attack on poor Chris: he’s a serious sportsman and now any google search ranks his real career below that stupid time he threw a phone.  He’s really got to wonder what kind of world he’s winning in.

Note: this is the first time someone who launches pointed sticks has triggered so much philosophical debate since one was fired at a turtle.

3.  Largest Cellphone

Samsung Mobile again, scaling a working phone up to ten cubic meters - the most ridiculously function-destroying size increase since American bodies discovered cookie dough.  The truly tragic thing is that a mobile phone it’s impossible to move or really use is still, by far, the least stupid record on this page.