Orange’s new “Dial to relax” service is extremely worrying.  There’s no doubt that festive stress is a very real issue, with millions turning the holiday season into the sort of crisis normally reserved for fights to the death and psychological torture, but when you can’t even relax without a phone in your ear there’s a very real chance you’ve turned into a Borg.  Turn the thing off!  Sit down for a bit!

The service is based on a survey to find the five most relaxing sounds in Britain. Strangely enough none of them involve shopping centers, airports, or anything else even remotely involved in a family Christmas.  Orange is offering users recordings of the relaxing noises for free, though they’re charging standard rates for other network users, (which kind of defeats the point).

It’s hard to understand just how utterly attached to their phone someone would have to be for this to work. We understand that some people get stressed when without mobile coverage, especially those under eighteen, but they never relax anyway – the closest they get is unconsciousness.  If you truly find that even the sounds of the surf washing in and out aren’t relaxing enough unless they’re relayed through a tinny speaker, it may be time to Reginald Perrin and retire from modern society altogether.