Mobile phones are all about style in the same way clothes are all about fashion – everyone making money from them is terrified we’ll work out there are only a couple of ways to actually make phones/trousers, so they keep tweaking the detailed bits and hope we don’t notice. Sometimes this goes spectacularly wrong, and while the fashion disasters are safely quarantined on the catwalks, the phones get released into the wild.
1. The Twilight Phone
LG have proven that branding isn’t just an excuse to skip the “create worthwhile products” stage – it’s an actual out-of-control monster which will one day see us desperately battling against logo-bearing killbots. Killbots designed to keep us alive just long enough to max out our credit cards because last month they unleashed Twilight phones, even though there are several laws against conning the mentally incompetent.
It’s not a skin or a case but an entire phone branded with Twilight, where “entire phone” actually means “the shell and some wallpaper and they do sell! This doesn’t really surprise us all that much considering that the Twilight Saga is one of the biggest teen sensations to date. However, we still can’t help but think that this is a phone you don’t really want to shout about having all that much…unless you’re a werewolf and only come out at night when no-one’s about of course.
2. The ClockPhone
The acid test to tell if something’s tacky is to ask, “Did this actively damage the product while trying to look good?” By that standard, the Toshiba “DRAPE” phone passes more acid than the average chemical plant. It makes a big deal of its authentic clockwork, and we’ll give you one guess what the problem is.
If you’re wondering “How does it cope with text, contacts, or in fact any display function?” you’ll be surprised by the answer! As in you’ll be amazed that any company could release a phone unable to do any of that. The lack of screen isn’t accounted for in any way, but it is armed with a videophone – so the person you’re calling can see you, but you can’t see a thing. Well, it’s certainly a first!
3. The World’s Only Ugly Gold Brick
It’s pretty hard to look cheap with a sold gold brick. Sure, calling it a “brick” instead of an ingot is a good start on looking stupid, but most people won’t argue about words with someone who has a gold brick. That means money. That means stylish (at least to those who sell style) and it’s pretty hard to mess that up.
The “Privé” destroys one hundred and forty thousand pounds worth of gold almost a kilo of stuff studded with seventy-six 23 carat diamonds, and wrapped it all around a brick phone. Meaning you can buy 280 iPhone 4Gs or one clunker device with less functionality than a modern watch. Simply holding one makes it legal for people to mug you – it’s an officially recognised signal apparently announcing, “I have far too much money I can’t be trusted with. Pease take some and the police will congratulate you.”
3 Comments
Well researched on the Drape… from 2006: “The main display can swap over to the usual cell phone interface, and you can take advantage of its 2.6-inch QVGA in more resourceful ways”
If you even looked closely at the screenshot you posted, you’d see the time, battery and signal icons.
So did you just see a picture and make shit up?
At least it was an article where you don’t mention Tila Tequila, Brazilian cheerleaders or the other 3 “jokes” you use in every 2nd blog.
Good point there especially in the twilight phone. People shouldn’t be deceived by the cover or the theme, but they should give more time in choosing phones with better features.
great post-a real laugh.
and dead funny..
never seen any of these phones, but not surprising really. i dont think i’d want to.