Endless Emergency Idiocy

Emergency service operators don’t watch reality TV for the same reason Lady Gaga doesn’t read Dr Seuss: they get enough of that insanity at work. If 999 was allowed to turn its recordings into television, the resulting profits would finance its operation for the next thousand years (we’d be the first country to have a fire service with hovertanks too). Both 999 and 911 generate more hilarity per numeral than the Naked Gun series, and are even more unbelievable.

1. I Want To Fight A Cop

An Illinois man proved it’s possible to be an idiot even when your plans work perfectly by calling 911 and demanding to fight a police officer. The call came in at 4 am on a Wednesday morning. We know most things are closed at that time, but just because the police respond don’t make them an entertainment option. Though they must have been bored too, or they’d gotten sick of his antics, because they promptly arrived and let John Pacella generate three felonies in about as many seconds.

He shoved the responding officers, then shoved them again when he was under arrest, and that’s about as far as shoving will get an idiot in those circumstances. He is currently being held under a $100,000 bail because targeting the police directly is a great way to make them add zeroes to the end of that figure. Though we think they should have sent firemen in response just to screw with him.

2. I demand to be an orphan

If you’ve ever thought a teenager was being a selfish idiot, well, you were probably right. That’s their job. However,  it’s hard to beat a 15-year old Florida girl who demanded that police take her to a Christian shelter because her mother dared to have sex. No, seriously, it’s hard to beat this entitled little primadonna (because the police are there), so she can’t receive the clip round the ear she so desperately deserves.

It’s important to note that the mother wasn’t cheating on a husband or flaunting depraved proclivities in the living room. The long-suffering woman was simply sleeping with her own man, at four in the morning and in her own bedroom, but this little sack decided it was upsetting (despite her own existence proving that her mother couldn’t be celibate). If the poor dear has raised you for 15 years (and with this kind of stunt, god knows what else she’s had to put up with), just cover your ears and let her act like an adult. Unlike you.

The call dragged the police out to the house, as well as a representative from the shelter who convinced the girl to stay at home. Presumably, with a selection of variations on the theme of “are you kidding me?” and “do you have any idea of the real problems which put kids in our shelter, or they stitch-requiring problems those kids would give for being such an obnoxious little princess?”

3. Theft of a Snowman

Alas, the English still claim the crown for dumbest call, because at least violence and sex are basic human drives. All our species’ smartest and stupidest advances are connected with that. But a Kent woman staggered the emergency services by calling 999 to report a stolen snowman. The operator, desperately trying to find a reason to stay alive on this planet, asked if this was a snowman ornament or something – which would still be a retarded reason to call 999 – or  at least an actual object whose whole definition wasn’t “will disappear as soon as it gets warmer.”

Unfortunately, the police only issued a warning. They do have powers to prosecute those who abuse the emergency number, but since “prosecute” doesn’t mean “get rid of without trial or witnesses”, this only plays into the idiot’s plan of wasting police time. When someone considers snow theft to be an emergency matter, simply having her in the same building dangerously threatens your ability think.

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